Worthless, stupid, no one will love you like I do, you will not be anywhere without me, it’s all your fault, you are responsible for my happiness, you broke me so now you have to fix me, your friends are a bad influence and will get you to cheat on me, no one wants you, etc.
What do all of these words have to do with an unhealthy relationship you ask? Well, those are just some of the words that get used to control you, hurt you, and make you feel like they are all you have. To isolate you from everyone you know and love. THIS IS NOT LOVE!
So, you might wonder how I know this…….well I have had ALL of these words and more told to me repeatedly over the years and YES, I did believe them at the time. From my ex-boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and then from my ex-husband for most of the almost 25 years we were married.
In part 1 of the Unhealthy Relationship blog I talked about my ex-boyfriend and how that relationship was very unhealthy. So I think for this one I will talk about how my marriage of almost 25 years was unhealthy.
I got married when I was 19 years old and my ex-husband was 25 years old, yes 6 years age difference for us. We met at work, and we started dating about 4-6 months after we met. Like all new relationships everything started out great but over time it just started getting horrible. It started out with small remarks like he did not like my friends, he got mad/upset when I would go out for a girl’s night and then blame me for him not having friends he could go hang out with. We would always get into fights when I had a girl’s night out, I hated it because I knew that it wasn’t my fault that he did not have close friends to go hangout with like I did.
After 2 years of marriage, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl into the world, she decided that she wanted to be born in the very early morning hours (3:13AM), I was only in labor for just under 6 hours! After we had our daughter things changed a little, it was hard on me because at the time my ex-husband was working out of state, he would be gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. When he was home he just wanted to do nothing but lay around and play D&D all day and night. Being essentially s “single” mom since he worked out of state it took a toll on me, especially when she was 3 months old, she got very sick and I was up with her around the clock, she was sick for a month straight.
Anyway, when our daughter turned a year old, we moved 4 hours away from both sides of our family because he got a new job. Moving so far away from family was very hard for me because I had never been more than 2 hours away from my family my whole life! It was definitely a shock to me moving from a town with about 40,000 people at that time to a town of over 150,000 people! I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, and it got very lonely. My ex-husband worked long hours, and he took the only car we had back then, so I was stuck at home. At the time that we moved we did not know just how bad the part of town we were moving too was. Being new in a big town I knew no one and I went know where! I was stuck at home all day with a toddler!
Let’s fast forward to when my marriage really became unhealthy……..We were in our 14th year of marriage, 15 1/2 years together when everything turned upside down. We were just about to head out for a date night to celebrate Valentine’s Day when we get a phone call from the local sheriff department where my father-in-law lived. I answered the phone, and they asked to speak with my ex-husband, I handed him the phone and the next thing I know he is on the floor screaming and crying. I had no clue what was going on, our daughter and my mother-in-law were just standing there looking at him and asking what happened. Finally, he told us that my father-in-law was found dead in his house and that he had been dead for about 2 weeks before he was discovered. Needless to say, we did not go out that night and we started making phone calls to let family and friends know. The next morning, we got up early and drove the 3 1/2 hours to the funeral home where he was and made the arrangements for cremation since that is what he wanted. We called our friends to meet us so they could take our daughter to their house while we went out to my fathers-in-law house. We did not want our daughter to have that memory that we have walking into his home after him being there for 2 weeks dead. If you have ever smelled decomposition, then you know that is not a smell you will ever forget! We found his Will and Insurance paperwork, went through his computer to try to narrow down his exact date of death which was actually easy to do by checking his bank account. The three of us packed up the belongings of my father-in-law into 2 trucks and headed to my mother-in-law house (they were divorced). The next day instead of my ex-husband making all these phone calls to shut everything down that needed to be shut down dealing with my father-in-law I made ALL the phone calls! While he did NOTHING!!
For the next 10 years life was a living hell for me. Nothing was the same and my ex-husband just shut down completely! He did not want to go anywhere, do anything, he just wanted to stay home and play video games and watch anime. Once he started this, I ended up in the bedroom watching tv or spending time with my kids when they were home. He would be jealous of the kids because I would take them to do things, and we would ask if he wanted to come, and he ALWAYS said NO! He would get angry and start yelling for no reason at me or the kids (I tried to shield them from this as much as possible). He would be so mad all the time and it was ALWAYS my fault even if it WASN’T!!
If I wanted to get my nails done (mani/pedi) he would throw a fit because I spent $100 on my nails but it was ok for him to spend $200-300 on games!! It’s not like I had my nails done every week; I would go 6-8 weeks before I do my nails again! He would spend money every week on video games! But that was ok for him to do since he made more money then me……..I worked and I brought home a paycheck just like he did but that did not matter to him, what mattered was that I would spend $100 every 6-8 weeks to get my nails done! This was a never-ending fight between us.
He started going to therapy the last 5 years of our marriage, and can you guess who HAD to drive him there, wait in the lobby and then drive him back home??? YEP, if you guessed me, you are right! Every week I HAD to drive him back and forth………why you ask? Because everything was MY FAULT, and I should be the one to take him every week according to him!
He told me all the time that it was my fault that he was in the mental condition he was in, I was responsible for what he had become, that I was responsible for his happiness, and it was my JOB to FIX him since it was MY FAULT! He blamed me for literally EVERYTHING!! It was my fault that his father passed away, it was my fault that the kids were slow on doing their homework and chores, it was my fault that he only wanted to stay home and not do anything, my fault that he would stay up on the weekends all night playing on the Play Station, it was my fault he would have a crappy day at work, EVERYTHING was my fault according to him!
When I started therapy do you think that he took me to and from or waited in the lobby for me? NOPE! He went with me one time and couldn’t even sit in the lobby for 50 minutes!!!!! He said he was uncomfortable sitting there waiting so he sat in the car instead. Like seriously he couldn’t sit there and support me, but I HAD to take him and support him?!?!?!?! I stopped taking him to his appointments and that really pissed him off!! We would go round and round about how I am responsible for his happiness, and it was all my fault. He would wake me up in the middle of the night just to fight with me!!!!! He would call me at work just to fight with me!!!!! It was never going to stop so I had to do something to make it stop!
In 2015 after our kids graduated, they started college and were never home which was ok with me because then they would not have to worry about his rage and anger being taken out on them.
My ex-husband and I were barely speaking to each other except when he wanted to blame me more and start fighting more. It was exhausting to always be at home with him knowing that all he wanted to do was fight. I dreaded going home when he would get off work before me, not knowing his mood.
This has been going on for way too long, with the help of my therapist and exercising helped me become stronger in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Not only was I stronger mentally, and emotionally but physically also. In October of 2018 we separated and in April of 2019 I moved out and into my own place by myself for the first time ever in my life. In May 2019 we filled for divorce and then in September of 2019 1 week before what would have been our wedding anniversary our divorce was finalized. It was a bittersweet moment for me. While sitting outside the courtroom he asked me if I was going to go back to my maiden name…..I looked at him and said uh NO! He asked why and I told him that I had been through too much not to keep my married last name. He asked what about when I get married again, told him then I will change it if or when that happens. He just did not want me to still have his last name because he was ALREADY engaged!!! He got engaged a MONTH before our divorce was finalized! And married 6 months afterwards!
Since my divorce I do have a boyfriend and we are happy being together just the way we are and if we do decide to get married or just move in together then that will happen when it happens. I still have my bad days but mostly I have good/great days! I am still in therapy once a week, I love my job and the company that I work for. I am in the process of making my next big purchase hopefully this year…….a new home that I will buy on my own.
Stay strong, always remember that help is just a call or text away and remember that you are WORTHY! Until next time 🙂
Living w/mental health 