Good morning! As I sit here drinking my coffee and listening to Grey’s Anatomy in the background I am thinking about what I wanted to write about today and i decided that it was the best thing to write about Unhealthy Relationships and Mental Health. Of course I have been thinking about this since last night and I had a hard time sleeping. I tossed and turned most of the night and I almost got up to write about this last night but it was after midnight so I stayed in bed and I finally feel asleep.
Do you know or can you see an Unhealthy Relationship when you are in one or when you have a friend who is in one? Usually the answer is NO and I know from experience that statement is true! So let’s go back to when it all started for me…………
When I was 14 years old (yes 14!) I started dating this guy who was 17 years old (3-year age difference) at first everything was great and then it wasn’t. I did not recognize it until WAY later in life after I started therapy! We were together for 2 1/2 years and I thought that what was happening was normal, so I stayed with him. It started out as little things that I just shrugged off and did not think anything of it. BOY, was I WRONG!!!!!
It started with him not wanting to get a job and just wanting to hang out with his brother-in-law drinking and getting high. Then he started telling me about things that happened in class, oh I saw this persons Tata’s (breast) as he called them, telling me that they flashed him in class and it excited him. He said that he wanted to see more and was laughing about it. Then girls started flirting with him in front of me and he would flirt back and laugh even though it upset me and made me mad. He would get little notes passed to him in class flirting with him and he thought it was ok and funny to show them to me.
After a while he started isolating me from my friends until I had no one to talk to except for him. I lost all of my friends because of him but at the time I thought it was “normal” and that is what happens in a healthy relationship and when you “love” someone. I let it keep happening over and over because that is what I thought was ok. IT WASN’T!
After about a year or so into our relationship he got arrested and went to jail. He had not told me anything about what he had done before he moved to Texas, so I was blindsided when this happened. He was jailed in Texas for about a month or so before being transferred out of state (yes this happened in another state) to serve his time and wait for his court date. While he was in jail out of state, I had one friend who was always there by myside to cheer me up and make sure that I was ok. He was the only friend that I had left, and he was one of my best friends (yes, we are still friends to this day). He would come over and we would talk, watch tv, just hang out or go for drives to get me out of the house and to take my mind off of how sad I was.
My boyfriend was in jail out of state for 6 months and he would call everyday. There were some days that he would call and my friend would be at the house when he called. He started accusing me of cheating on him with my friend. Like really………accusing me of cheating on him!?!?!?!?!? I told him over and over that I was not cheating on him and that my friend was just there to keep my company and be a very good friend! The LAST friend that I had! Thankfully my friend just ignored my boyfriend and did not stop coming over and hanging out with me!
After my boyfriend got out of jail he had to stay where he was until his court date, which was weeks away. He called and told me that his brother, sister-in-law, and her sister came to get him from the jail and he was excited to see his sister-in-law’s sister! Come to find out he had DATED her and she still wanted to be with him. He told me that she was still sexy and hot, that she was touching his arm and leg and smiling at him. He was gushing about her and he did not care that it was upsetting me! Yet I was the one that was CHEATING!!!
Ok that is a long story and probably a boring one, however it needed to be said because it shows what an Unhealthy Relationship looks like, or at least one way it looks like. There are MANY different ways an Unhealthy Relationship looks, there is not just one way. There are many, many different signs of an Unhealthy Relationship but until you see them you don’t know you are in one. Not only was my relationship with my then boyfriend unhealthy but so was my marriage. It took me seeking help to realize that my marriage was unhealthy not just for me but for my kids also.
An Unhealthy Relationship affects not only you but your children as well if you have them. It affects your life in ways that you do not see until it’s too late sometimes. Being in an Unhealthy Relationship is harmful to you and those you love. You are isolated from your family, friends, colleagues and everyone you associate with. You get accused of cheating even when you aren’t, you get blamed for everything, you feel like crap all the time because the person you are with makes you feel like you don’t matter.
Now you ask how an Unhealthy Relationship affects your mental health? Well, it affects it in more ways than you can imagine. You let yourself be isolated to make them happy, you let yourself be their punching bag (literally and physically), you let them abuse you not matter what because you “Love” them and they “Love” you. NO, they don’t love you, they just want to control you and make you feel like no one wants you or that you are worthless. You think that you lose all your friends, your family, your life because of them. Your friends and family are there, and they are your support system even if you don’t think they are.
I can go on and on about being in an Unhealthy Relationship because I have been in more than I care to admit. The longest Unhealthy Relationship I was in was my marriage, and it took me a very long time to see it! I started being isolated from my friends and family, he did not like my family and the friends that I did have he did not like because he thought that when I was with them, I was going to do something……..like seriously!!! My ex-husband was the longest and most hurtful unhealthy relationship that I was ever in and it took me what seemed like a lifetime to see.
Now you ask how did I figure it out and finally see it? The answer is simple……by going to therapy and talking to someone who is on the outside, who was not close to us, and who was there to help me see that I was in an unhealthy relationship, and it wasn’t the first one.
If you feel isolated, sad, beaten up, broken and unworthy because of your relationship ASK for help because you are NOT alone! You have a support system even if you don’t think that you do. You are worthy and you don’t deserve what is happening to you in your relationship. Talk to someone, a friend, family member, or someone who specializes in this and only has your best interest in mind. There are so many people out there that you can count on and have your back! SEEK HELP!!!
Always remember that you ARE Worthy, you Deserve better and help is JUST a call, email or text away!!
Stay strong, smile, and laugh until you cry! 🙂
Living w/mental health 